The Crucible in 15 Minutes: THE SPOOF
by Shakespeare Nerd
Summary: So they've made the Phantom of the Opera. They've made Harry Potter. But I'll tell ya what they haven't made: THE CRUCIBLE. Oh, yes. Scared yet? If not, you will be when you first hear of Tituba from Da Hood.
1. Act I Scene 1

**A/N: Thank you SO MUCH to all of you who enjoyed my rawther stupid spoof:O) I appreciate the reviews... heh. But I just realized something... okay. So I was in "The Crucible" in February (I was Ruth, which isn't even a real role, but anyway.) when Arthur Miller died... and it's kind of tragic because I was just getting into his work when he croaked. HE IS AN IDOL, by the way. And I only provide ridiculous comedy... I am in no way trying to degrade his brilliant play. Okay... you know what? I'm rambling. But in short, I dedicate this load of random junk (see whole play) to a great guy named Arthur Miller.**

(ACT I SCENE 1: Setting: a dreary little house that creaks like the little kid from "The Grudge" is in it. There's a little girl lying in a bed, conked out. And then there's a guy depressedly covering his face. Somebody comes in. Who could it be?)

TITUBA: Yo, mah Betty gonna be upshizzle?

PARRIS: What the hell are you saying?

TITUBA: Don't you talk bout my talkin', Hommie Parrisizzle, or I'll beat yo ass, yo.

PARRIS: Just… get out of here, Tituba.

TITUBA: The name's Tittay, yo home dog Parris. Now, you damn say it right, or I'm gonna beat yo damn assizzle.

PARRIS: Bitch! (Flips her off)

TITUBA: I ain't no biznatch!

(Catfight)

PARRIS: JUST GET OUT OF HERE!

TITUBA: That's RIGHT, boy. You betta be damn scaredshizzle now.

(TITUBA exits)

PARRIS: (to himself) When is this damn kid gonna wake up?

(When PARRIS looks away, BETTY opens her eyes and quickly closes them, terrified of this guy who flips everybody off. SUSANNA and ABIGAIL enter)

SUSANNA: Umm… Dr. Grig- Griggs… uh… umm… wanted me to… uh… tell you… he can't find any… umm… medicine… I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me! (Cowers)

PARRIS: Die, bitch!

ABIGAIL: (protecting SUSANNA) No, it was Giles Corey's fault. He gave all the drugs to his sickly little wife. (Whispering) Apparently, she's supposed to be going to rehab soon, but… you can't really trust that Corey, can you?

PARRIS: Grr! (Flips SUSANNA off) Go home.

SUSANNA: Thank God! (Skitters out)

ABIGAIL: Uncle Parris, I'm sorry 'bout Betty. I never should have given her those… umm… I mean… I didn't do anything!

PARRIS: What were you kiddos doing in the forest last night? Was John Proctor paying you to dance for him again?

ABIGAIL: (giggles) John? Why, of course not. We didn't do anything, Uncle Parris!

PARRIS: But wait. You were working in John's house so long, Abby. Why did Elizabeth get rid of you like that?

ABIGAIL: (freezes, then laughs) Oh… (Whispering) drugs. You know. They're all on drugs. She took a hit of E that night and just ZOINKED.

PARRIS: Oh, okay. I love you, sweetie! (Big bear hug)

(ANN and PUTNAM enter)

ANN: Waah! I miss my little babies… even though I only knew them for a few hours! Oh. Why, hello, Mr. Parris. I saw the ghost of my little babies this morning. Betty was flying around with them. It seemed like they were having a lovely time.

PARRIS: GAAH! (Flips ANN off)

ANN: Something I said? Anyway, about my dead babies…

PUTNAM: So, guess what, Parry? There's witches all over Salem.

PARRIS: THERE ARE NO WITCHES! (Flips PUTNAM off)

PUTNAM: Don't you bite your thumb at me! There are witches, I say. The Devil is loose in Salem.

ANN: Yes. He ate my babies.

PARRIS: Ate them?

ANN: With mayonnaise.

PARRIS: Ah.

PUTNAM: Yeah. So, I called this guy… Hale? He's gonna find all the Devils in Salem.

PARRIS: Gaah…

PUTNAM: Gaah what? There ARE witches. Were you suggesting that there WEREN'T? Implying something, maybe? That's why that damn kid isn't waking up at our house. And, golly, look at that… your kid's sleeping, too! (Crosses over to BETTY) OH, MY GOD! HER EYES ARE CLOSED! CLOSED, I TELL YOU! LOOK, ANN! HER EYES ARE CLOSED! WHILE SHE'S SLEEPING!

ANN: Oh, my GOD! THAT'S SO WEIRD!

PARRIS: Oh, Lord. Okay. Abby? Tell this guy the truth. Were you conjuring something in the woods?

ABIGAIL: What? No! Never! Why would you think that? Did someone tell you something? (Casts an accusing glare towards BETTY, who whimpers)

PARRIS: No, no…

ABIGAIL: Betty, you are so out of my cult!

BETTY: (wakes up, screaming) NOOO! (Looks around her) I mean… (Falls back on bed) Waah… Waah…

PARRIS: See? Nothing suspicious about that.

(PUTNAMS murmur their agreement)

ABIGAIL: But… (Accusing) Tittay was conjuring stuff! Ruth… blackmailed her!

ANN: I knew it! My one child is POSSESSED… (Cries)

(MERCY enters)

MERCY: Oh, sorry, I just wanted to see… um… um… Betty! Yes. Betty.

ANN: Nice save, Mercy. (Scowls) Who the hell is with Ruth?

MERCY: Uh… shit… oh! Her grandma. Yup. Granny. Good old Granny. Brought cookies. (Aside, to ABIGAIL) I had to leave her. Stupid little bitch wouldn't stop sneezing.

PARRIS: Well, all's well here, see? Let's go sing songs. That'll ward off the Devils in Salem.

(PARRIS, ANN, and PUTNAM exit. As PUTNAM leaves, MERCY runs a hand over his chest. PARRIS breaks PUTNAM free and flips her off before leaving.)

ABIGAIL: What happened to Ruth?

MERCY: I dunno. It's weird. Probably syphilis or something.

ABIGAIL: Gaah. I hope that's not what's wrong with Betty, or I'll get the 'bad babysitter' lecture again.

(MARY enters)

MARY: Uh. They're talking about witches… n' stuff.

MERCY: Stop whining.

MARY: Huh? What?

ABIGAIL: Did you tell them anything?

MARY: Huh?

ABIGAIL: Obviously not. God. Betty! Wake up already!

(BETTY whines)

ABIGAIL: NOW, BETTY! Or I'll teach you a lesson you'll never forget!

BETTY: (screams) No! Not that again! I'll drink all the blood you want; just don't do that again!

ABIGAIL: My, you seem improving.

BETTY: Is that supposed to be sarcastic?

ABIGAIL: WHAT? Are you INSULTING the Abigail? Tsk, tsk… now, Betty, I warned you about this…

BETTY: Waah!

ABIGAIL: STOP WHINING! (Slaps her)

MERCY: Ooh, bitch-slap.

MARY: Why are you hitting her?

ABIGAIL: DON'T QUESTION ME! OR I'LL SLAP ALL OF YOU!

MARY: Just asking.

(JOHN PROCTOR enters)

PROCTOR: Get your ass home now, Mary.

MARY: Uh. Leaving.

(MARY exits)

MERCY: Oh, I should leave, too. I need to watch Ruth. You know… that non-existent granny might hurt her, and we wouldn't want that to happen, would we? (Passes PROCTOR) Good morning. Why aren't you out hunting for witches? (Grabs him by the waist and starts kissing his neck) I might be a witch, you know. I'm pretty bad.

PROCTOR: Mercy! Not now! Abby's here! (Breaks free, MERCY exits)

ABIGAIL: (giggles) Hi…

PROCTOR: Hey, Abby. Now, I didn't come to make out with you or anything.

ABIGAIL: You sure? (Presses herself up against him) I don't believe you.

PROCTOR: Abby, you slut, I'm married! (ABBY kisses his neck) Oh. Um.

ABIGAIL: Ha. That's funny. Married.

PROCTOR: I love Elizabeth!

ABIGAIL: (laughs uncontrollably)

PROCTOR: WHAT IS SO FUNNY?

ABIGAIL: (Kisses him very nicely on the mouth. He breaks off.) You know you want it.

(BETTY screams like she's possessed by Michael Jackson)

ABIGAIL: Betty! What is it?

PROCTOR: Did she hear us? I think her mind's a bit young for that…

ABIGAIL: Oh, no, she's known about all of that forever. She's a ten-year-old whore.

(Everybody rushes in- ANN, PARRIS, PUTNAM, GILES, and REBECCA)

PARRIS: What the hell is going on here?

ABIGAIL: It's your singing. She couldn't bear to hear it.

PUTNAM: Oh. I guess we shouldn't have been singing "Dip it Low". Her poor virgin ears.

(PROCTOR and ABIGAIL laugh)

GILES: Actually, I think it's your singing, Ann. You and that husband of yours sound like a herd of cows dying.

REBECCA: GILES! You awful man!

GILES: Damn people… stole my land…

PARRIS: And my firewood!

(GILES exits, but suddenly we hear a crash and an old man falling. PROCTOR rushes out to help him.)

PARRIS: (shakes head) Society… Anti-firewood society…

(HALE enters)

HALE: Oh, someone take these books! They'll totally ruin my hot uniform. (PARRIS takes books) God, thank you. Took you long enough. (Looks in mirror) Look at that. I'm so hot I can't stand it.

PARRIS: Yeah, Hale. You're sexy.

PUTNAM: Whoa, Parry, slow down, it's only 1692.

PARRIS: Hey! You know what? I'm tired of this. 1692… we should be making progress. (Flips everyone off) Die, bitches.

(PROCTOR comes back in, pushes PARRIS in)

PROCTOR: Easy, fella. Don't leave.

PARRIS: Gaah. Oh, hey, Hale. Could you look at my daughter? She ails.

HALE: (looks at BETTY) Oh, yeah. She's a hot one.

PARRIS: No. I mean she's sick.

HALE: Oh.

ANN: Did I tell you the Devil ate my babies with mustard?

PARRIS: I thought it was mayonnaise.

ANN: No, mayonnaise sounded too yummy right now.

(GILES enters again with RANDOM GUY)

GILES: Corey's back in da house.

PARRIS: You're as bad as Tituba.

SHOUT FROM OFFSTAGE: IT'S TITTAY, HOME DOG!

PARRIS: I mean Tit-ay.

RANDOM GUY: (upstages everyone and goes to front of stage) To be or not to be. That is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the minds to suffer… (looks around) Oops. (exits quickly)

GILES: Hey, Hale. My woman reads books. Tell me why.

HALE: Well, uh… um… oh, Parris. Tittay sounds like a witch. Get her ass in here.

PARRIS: You're not supposed to curse.

HALE: Sorry. Get her arse in here.

PARRIS: Okay. TITTAY!

(TITUBA enters)

TITUBA: Hey, hommies. 'Sup?

HALE: Oh, good. What a treat. First of all, would you tell us your name?

TITUBA: I'm Tittay from da hood, yo.

HALE: So, Tittay. Are you a witch?

TITUBA: All the way, dawg, if you dig that.

HALE: Scene!

PARRIS: Not quite.

HALE: Err… right. Tittay. So… did you ever compact with the Devil?

TITUBA: Hey, my boy is no devil. He can be a little gangsta at times, foshizzle, but he ain't no devil.

HALE: Okay. You're clear. Scene!

PARRIS: Tittay, what Mr. Hale is trying to say is, did you ever see anyone with the Devil?

TITUBA: Aw, hell, no. I know you don't expect me to rat out me girls.

HALE: You have girls?

TITUBA: Fo shoa.

PARRIS: Tittay, if you don't tell me at least this I'm going to hang you because I'm angsty like that. Did you ever see… that retarded girl with the Devil?

TITUBA: Aw, boy, no need to bring yo gunfire into it.

PARRIS: I'LL KILL YOU, TITTAY! YOU WANNA WATCH?

TITUBA: Okay, okay! I saw my hommie Good wit the Devil!

PARRIS: Goody Good! (To HALE) Write these down.

HALE: Foshizzle.

TITUBA: Foshizzle my nizzle!

HALE: Fo shoa.

TITUBA: Yeah, I saw Misshizzle P. wit the Devil…

PARRIS: Goody Pipitone?

TITUBA: Foshizzle. An' den I saw… Hamlet wit the Devil.

GILES: Dammit! He just left! (Exits, running, carrying cane madly)

ABIGAIL: Wait! I wanna rat people out! (Smiles) I'm a good girl. I'll tattle. Just let me open myself!

HALE: Okay, young lady. Who did YOU see wit the Devil?

PARRIS: With. With. Not wit. With.

ABIGAIL: I saw Mr. Green with the Devil! I saw Goody Osbourne with the Devil! I saw Levi Hawkins with the Devil!

PARRIS: Levi Hawkins? YES! I was going to kill him anyway.

BETTY: I saw Mary Warren with the Devil!

ABIGAIL: Shut up! Wrong scene!

BETTY: Oh. I saw Melissa Trupp with the Devil! I saw Mr. Green with the Devil! I saw Goody Howe with the Devil! I saw Travis Causey with the Devil!

CROWD'S MURMURS: So did I.

ABIGAIL: I saw my dog with the Devil! She's a witch, I tell you!

(CURTAIN FALLS)


	2. Act I Scene 2

(ACT I SCENE 2: Setting: A slightly brighter house. It's ELIZABETH's, and since her husband is always out being a pedophile she has nothing to do but brighten her house. PROCTOR enters.)

PROCTOR: Woman! Where's my dinner?

ELIZABETH: Here, here! So, whom were you sleeping with today?

PROCTOR: I am OFFENDED, Elizabeth. Why do you think I was sleeping with anyone?

ELIZABETH: Oh, I dunno, maybe 'cause you keep impregnating teenagers…

PROCTOR: Abby never got pregnant!

ELIZABETH: You sure?

PROCTOR: Absolutely! And neither did Mercy! Or Ruth! Or Susanna!

ELIZABETH: Whom aren't you sleeping with?

PROCTOR: Mary. She's too stupid.

(MARY enters)

PROCTOR: You little biotch! Why did you go to the courts when I told you not to?

MARY: Um.

PROCTOR: Well?

MARY: Um… don't hurt me. I'm going to puke.

PROCTOR: Too much information.

MARY: Sorry. I don't have very many brain cells left. Oh, look, Goody Proctor, a doll.

ELIZABETH: Nice.

MARY: Yes. It just happens to be sitting in my pocket. (Laughs to self) Hee hee hee; that was a rouse to get away from Proctor! I'm so smart. I tricked them all. All 2 of them.

PROCTOR: Yes, Mary. You're brilliant. I might have to sleep with you now, too.

ELIZABETH & MARY: (at the same time) HEY!

MARY: Sarah Good almost killed me today.

ELIZABETH: Oh, really, now?

PROCTOR: That's nice.

MARY: She sent her _Sprite _out.

ELIZABETH: That's not the line, dear.

MARY: She sent her _spirit _out.

PROCTOR: Liar.

MARY: For real! This crony old woman. She said, "I am innocent to a witch." Bull! Bull! Bull!

PROCTOR: L-I-A-R.

MARY: So what? I don't need you anymore. I'm an official of the court. They'll get me a scholarship to college and I'll be in their clique forever.

PROCTOR: Bull! Bull! Bull!

MARY: Careful, Mister Proctor, or I might accuse you of witchery, too.

PROCTOR: I'll witcher you! (gets whip)

MARY: Waah! (exits quickly)

ELIZABETH: Was that really necessary, John?

PROCTOR: Of course it was, Abigail.

ELIZABETH: ABIGAIL?

PROCTOR: I mean…

ELIZABETH: That's it. I want a divorce.

PROCTOR: No, no! Let me tell you this story. Abby keeps telling me how dumb that girl is when I sneak out to see her at night. She just won't stop talking about Mary! I'm considering ending the whole thing. Oh, wait…

ELIZABETH: You sneak out to see that little tramp?

PROCTOR: Oh, no! No! I was just talking to Abby that day when everyone else left and she was seducing me in the dark.

ELIZABETH: I see. And did she succeed in seducing you?

PROCTOR: Of course not, darling! We just made out for a while! What do you take me for, a lecher?

ELIZABETH: Ahem. Okay, look. Your little slutty girlfriend wants to kill me and marry you. Okay?

PROCTOR: Which one?

ELIZABETH: ABIGAIL.

PROCTOR: That's incredulous. But… why doesn't she like you?

ELIZABETH: You're hopeless! (raises a frying pan to beat him with, but then HALE enters)

HALE: Oh. (giggles) Sorry!

ELIZABETH: It's okay. Come on in. I should have someone to make out with, too.

HALE: It would be a little weird if I made out with Abby and then with you.

PROCTOR: You made out with Abigail? (gasps) How dare she cheat on me? What a tramp!

HALE: (giggles sheepishly)

ELIZABETH: Go tell Abby she's a whore. Now.

HALE: Wait, wait. (looks in mirror) God, I'm hot. Anyway.

PROCTOR: What is it? I have to go tell Abby she's a slut.

ELIZABETH: On second thought, forget it. You'll end up getting her pregnant.

PROCTOR: True.

HALE: So, uh, yeah. How come you never come to church?

PROCTOR: I DO come to church.

HALE: Then… uh… tell me your… Whatcha-ma-call-its.

ELIZABETH: His commandments?

HALE: Uh, yeah. That.

PROCTOR: Okay. Thou shalt not kill people. Especially Abigail. Hear, hear, Elizabeth. You can't kill her. Okay?

HALE: God, I really am hot. I'm so hot I can't… oh. Um. Yeah. Go on.

PROCTOR: Um… thou shalt not… something about a graven image… thou shalt not envy thy neighbor's ass… I mean donkey… thou shalt not… say shalt. Thou shalt not… ignore Reverend Hale. Thou shalt not forget his lines.

ELIZABETH: You forgot a couple. Namely 'thou shalt not sleep with whores'. Or anyone at all, for that matter, besides me.

PROCTOR: Well, gee, sorry, Lizzie! You were just never around!

HALE: Err… right. Sorry. What were we talking about?

PROCTOR: And he wonders why I don't listen to him in church.

HALE: Umm… right. And I… have to… go.

ELIZABETH: John, just tell him already.

HALE: Tell me what? Someone better start telling me something. (admires reflection again)

PROCTOR: Okay. Okay. Look. There are no witches in Salem.

HALE: (laughs uncontrollably)

PROCTOR: I'm serious!

HALE: That's probably just because they convicted her today.

ELIZABETH: Convicted ME?

HALE: Yeah…

ELIZABETH: I am no witch!

HALE: Ha ha! You lie! Arrest her!

(Random police officers appear and chain ELIZABETH)

PROCTOR: Hey hey hey hey! No one is allowed to chain Elizabeth except for me, okay?

ELIZABETH: Oh, John!

CHEEVER: I spy a poppet, Goody Proctor. If you keep dolls, you surely must be a witch.

WILLARD: (laughs insanely)

CHEEVER: Hey, I'm serious! I am very important, and if I say she's a witch, SHE'S A WITCH! THEY'RE ALL WITCHES!

WILLARD: I like witches… (giggles)

CHEEVER: Are you DRUNK?

WILLARD: Huh? Uh.

CHEEVER: (picks up ELIZABETH's doll, sticks a needle in, and pulls it back out) Look, Willard, it is a needle! She is a witch!

WILLARD: (talking to doll) Needles are hot. You're hot. Will you go out with me?

CHEEVER: Oh, Willy, I thought you'd never ask!

WILLARD: Huh?

HOPKINS: Well, dudes, dudettes, this proves it. Elizabeth's a witch. You're a comin' with me.

ELIZABETH: I'm not really into the whole chaining-up thing…

PROCTOR: Wait! Get Mary in here! MARY! GET DOWN HERE, YOU LITTLE… girl!

(MARY enters sheepishly)

MARY: Uh. Yeah. What'd I do?

PROCTOR: Have you seen this needle before?

MARY: Uh. I've seen a lot of needles before.

CHEEVER: But not this one, you see? That proves it. Elizabeth stuck this needle into this doll using her witcherish powers and made it look like Abby. VOOOOO-DOOOOO! Take her away!

(ELIZABETH and POLICE GUYS exit)

PROCTOR: Mary, you were supposed to lie!

MARY: Huh?

PROCTOR: Okay, you little brat. You're gonna tell the court what you know whether you like it or not.

MARY: Uh. That's not a lot.

PROCTOR: Okay, fine! But you're going to… accuse Abby of murder!

MARY: Oh, okay. (a pause) Hey, wait!

PROCTOR: No complaints, missy.

MARY: Waaahh! I can't do thaaat!

(Cries continue. CURTAIN FALLS.)


	3. Act II Scene 1

(ACT II SCENE 1: Setting: Dark, seductive woods. ABIGAIL is there, pretending to be scared so that PROCTOR, who has just arrived, will hold her.)

ABIGAIL: John, it's so big and scary out here! Can we please go back to my place? Maybe in my bedroom?

PROCTOR: It's okay, Abby. Let's sit down.

(They sit on a random bench/log)

PROCTOR: So, how's life? How's everything crack-a-lacking for you?

ABIGAIL: Don't try and talk like Tittay from da Hood. You'll never come close.

PROCTOR: Sorry. How. Are. You?

ABIGAIL: Oh, lovely. I mean, oh, woe. Everyone keeps hitting me with their spirits, John. Why, look at my leg. Immature little boys hit me when I don't want to sleep with them.

PROCTOR: How horrid.

ABIGAIL: Yes. Woe. And look at my shoulder. All the witches keep putting spells on my shoulder. In the middle of the night, the ghost of your wife comes back and stabs me again and again. See? Look at my boob.

PROCTOR: That's okay. Um, but, my wife's still alive.

ABIGAIL: Oh. Shucks.

PROCTOR: Yeah.

ABIGAIL: (kisses PROCTOR for about 10,000 years before he pulls away) John, oh, John, marry ME.

PROCTOR: I can't, Abby. My pedophiling days are over.

ABIGAIL: But, John!

PROCTOR: I'm sorry. Look me up when you're legal. The old hag will probably have died by then.

ABIGAIL: Yeah, she is old.

PROCTOR: You'll speak nothing of Elizabeth!

ABIGAIL: I'm sorry, John! Please don't make me stop making out with you!

PROCTOR: It's too late, Abby. I'm going to ruin you now.

ABIGAIL: Ruin ME?

PROCTOR: Yes. Ruin you. You filthy little tramp.

ABIGAIL: Aw, John, you really mean it? (Touches his face)

PROCTOR: Gaah. Stop DOING that.

ABIGAIL: You know you want it, Johnny Boy.

PROCTOR: Stop… please?

ABIGAIL: (Kisses his neck) Never, never. Your idiot wife could never give you what I can give you, John Proctor.

PROCTOR: (Pushes her away) Meanie! (Slaps her and exits before she beats up on him.)


	4. Act II Scene 2

(ACT II SCENE II: Setting: A dismal courtroom. So dismal, it doesn't even look justice-granting.)

MARTHA: Please, please don't hang me! All I did was read a book!

HATHORNE: Was it a good book?

MARTHA: It was Shakespeare.

HATHORNE: Which play?

MARTHA: _A Midsummer Night's Dream._

HATHORNE: Hang her.

MARTHA: Nooooooooooooo! Why?

HATHORNE. Because I don't like that play. It's too happy. And because I am the boss, and therefore, am uber-cool.

MARTHA: No! No! Please! (Gets dragged offstage)

GILES: I HAVE EVIDENCE! Gimme my wife back! Morons… out to get my land…

PARRIS: AND MY FIREWOOD! GRR!

GILES: I'll kill you all…

DANFORTH: Little man, you need a life. Get him outta here.

GILES: (faces HATHORNE evilly) I LIKE _A Midsummer Night's Dream._

HATHORNE: (files nails) That's nice.

(GILES gets dragged offstage)

NURSE: I hate to say this to such a weighty judge, sir, but you are DECIEVED!

DANFORTH: (whispering) Don't you have a few lines before this?

NURSE: I hate to say this to such a weighty judge, sir, but you are DECIEVED!

DANFORTH: I'm never deceived. Wha? What the hell's Mary Warren doing here? (Whispering) Mary, look. I told you. It's over. Okay?

PARRIS: Seriously, Mary. He doesn't want you anymore. (Flips MARY off)

MARY: Waah.

PROCTOR: She's going to tell the truth. Okay? The truth. Something we've been missing in these here courts.

GILES: (Re-entering like it's going out of style) Aye, the truth! It wasn't _A Midsummer Night's Dream_! It was _Hamlet_!

HATHORNE: So, tell us the truth, Mary.

MARY: I… Mr. Proctor.

PARRIS: What? You're sleeping with Mr. Proctor, too?

PROCTOR: (coughs)

GILES: Aye, no. The truth is she never seen no spirits.

DANFORTH: (snorts)

GILES: Aye, the truth!

PROCTOR: We pretty much abandoned the phrase 'aye' a few months ago.

GILES: Oh. I'm uncool.

PROCTOR: But it's true. It was all pretense.

MARY: Pretense, sir!

HATHORNE: Then how did you FAINT?

MARY: Um. The other girls showed me how. They said if I didn't do it, they'd get the flyswatter out. And man, does that thing hurt!

DANFORTH: Fine, then. Get the other kids up in here. Um. I mean. In here. As in this courtroom.

CHEEVER: Err. Right. Whatever you say.

DANFORTH: Good little slimeball.

(Exit CHEEVER)

DANFORTH: You've been a very bad girl, Mary. You lied to us.

MARY: Did not.

DANFORTH: What?

MARY: I mean… right. I lied. Bad girl.

DANFORTH: Yes. You're going to jail for it after you tell us… unless… (Whispers something in MARY's ear)

MARY: But… I thought it was over!

(Re-Enter DANFORTH with all the little girls- SUSANNA, MERCY, RUTH, BETTY, HERKEMER, and ABIGAIL, who is wearing an evil look of contempt.)

DANFORTH: Ah. Here they are.

(The girls sit solemnly and stupidly.)

DANFORTH: Well? Aren't you going to scream? Faint? Be possessed? Something?

ABIGAIL: Err… no. Not yet.

HERKEMER: No one's attacking us yet. They're always fashionably late, you know.

DANFORTH: Okie dokie. So, Mary, you were telling us how you learned to faint?

MARY: That were pretense, sir.

DANFORTH: You couldn't spell 'pretense'.

HATHORNE: If you were really pretending, why don't you just faint now?

PARRIS: Yeah. Faint like it's going out of style!

MARY: Faint? (Giggles hysterically and runs to PROCTOR)

HALE: Mary, honey, you have to faint or they're going to hang you.

PROCTOR: Mary, come on. Remember what the angel told the boy.

MARY: You never DID tell me what the angel told the boy.

PROCTOR: Well, she told him… Abigail Williams is a liar!

WHOLE COURT: Wha?

ABIGAIL: I'm not a liar! I'm so completely innocent it hurts!

PROCTOR: Being innocent WOULD hurt you…

ABIGAIL: All I've done is point out the bad people, and you're going to call me a liar? Mistrust me? Deny me? How dare you? (Gasp) It's freezing. Girls, shiver. Aren't you cold? Brr. Mercy, hold me.

MERCY: Oh. Right. Brr. Brr. It's freezing in here. I demand you turn on the furnace right now.

ABIGAIL: Not that, you nimrod. Why do I even allow you to be my sidekick? We're being bewitched. It's freezing.

ALL GIRLS: Shiver. Brr. Cold. (Shivering)

MARY: That's not very nice.

RUTH: You're a very bad girl, Mary, to bewitch us!

HERKEMER: Shiver. I'm so cold.

SUSANNA: Yes. Freeze.

BETTY: Waah.

DANFORTH: Mary, are you sending your Sprite out on them?

MARY: I don't have any Sprite.

ABIGAIL: Take her Sprite away from me, Heavenly Father!

PROCTOR: Horse! How do you call heaven?

DANFORTH: Horse?

PROCTOR: Hey, we have to keep the courtroom G-Rated. It's televised. (Winks at camera) You all must see it! I didn't want to, but Abby just kept lifting her dress and kissing my neck… I couldn't help it!

DANFORTH: He's got a point there. Them horses can be pretty damn tempting. That's why I like to shoot them.

HATHORNE: You shoot horses?

DANFORTH: Oh, wait. That's squirrels.

PROCTOR: Could you help it? Any of you? Hale? I mean, look at Abby! She's just so damn hot! But she thinks to dance with me on my wife's grave! She thinks to do the Twist and play Jig-A-Low! But it is a horse's vengeance, I tell you!

DANFORTH: Squirrels are vengeful, too. Aw, hell. I believe him.

PARRIS: I don't. Hey, Proctor, get your "honest" wife in here. She'll tell us if you're lying.

PROCTOR: Why would I lie about sleeping with her?

PARRIS: (Flips PROCTOR off) Gaah! I don't know! Ask Arthur Miller!

PROCTOR: Who?

CHEEVER: I'll get her in here. My slime is attractive. She won't be able to refuse.

(Exit CHEEVER)

MARY: Proctor, remember what the angel told the boy.

PROCTOR: Shaddup.

DANFORTH: Okie dokie. You turn around. Horse, you too.

(They turn reluctantly. Re-enter CHEEVER and ELIZABETH.)

DANFORTH: Ah! Yes! Okay. Don't look at your husband. I doubt you would anyway. He's too ugly. And don't look at Abigail, either.

ELIZABETH: Am I the lifeline on "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?" or something?

DANFORTH: Err… whatever floats your boat. Now, tell us. To your knowledge, is this girl a sl- I mean, a horse?

ELIZABETH: You mean… if Abigail is a mare… is my husband a stallion?

DANFORTH: Exactly.

ELIZABETH: OF COURSE NOT! HOW DARE YOU ASK SUCH A THING?

PROCTOR: Remember what the angel told the boy?

ABIGAIL: What? Oh, suddenly I see a little yellow bird! Aah! It's trying to possess my soul! (Nudges MERCY) See the little yellow bird? It's scary-looking! Do you see it? It's going to eat us! Scream already!

(The girls scream like monkeys)

RUTH: Lord save us!

BETTY: It looks just like Mr. Whiteford!

SUSANNA: Oh, my GOD! It's going to eat me!

MARY: I don't see a bird.

ABIGAIL: I don't see a bird.

MARY: Whoa…

ALL GIRLS: Whoa…

DANFORTH: Damn kid's sending her Sprite out again.

PROCTOR: Spir-it. Okay? Spear. It.

MARY: What's going on?

ALL GIRLS: What's going on?

MARY: HAHAHAH!

ALL GIRLS: HAHAHAH!

MARY: I like squirrels.

ALL GIRLS: I like squirrels.

DANFORTH: So do I.

MARY: Go, go! Suck your toe! All the way to Mexico!

ALL GIRLS: What?

WILLARD: That's kinky.

PARRIS: No. The chains are kinky.

ABIGAIL: Oh, my God!

MERCY: Mary didn't say that.

ABIGAIL: The bird is going to come down! It's going to steal our souls… or something! Run madly!

(The girls all run madly, purposefully running into all of the guys seductively. They all end up in a corner, out of breath.)

HALE: That was hot.

DANFORTH: Got that right. (High-fives HALE.)

PROCTOR: Ah, screw it. You know what? I'm the witch. I bewitched all these little kids, and I'm going to hell. (Is dragged offstage.)

HALE: Dammit! I liked him.

DANFORTH: He was evil!

HALE: Maybe I'm evil, too.

DANFORTH: What are you implying?

HALE: I quit this court. (Exits.)

DANFORTH: Mister Hale! Mister Hale! (Does a dance. The whole courtroom breaks into a chorus, and everyone does a character dance.)

(THE CURTAIN FALLS.)


	5. Act II Scene 3

(ACT II SCENE 3: Setting: Outside. There are benches. TITUBA and SARAH are sleeping on them.)

TITUBA: Yo, Sari-girl, wake up, yo, time to go back to da hood.

SARAH: Aw, yeah. Hey, where's that hottie, Willard? You know? He's got all the booze. Mm.

TITUBA: I could use summa dat.

SARAH: Willard's my bitch.

TITUBA: Willard's MY bitch.

SARAH: (laughs insanely)

(WILLARD enters.)

WILLARD: H-hey, ladies.

SARAH: I want some vodka.

WILLARD: Ah, here. (Pulls a bottle randomly out of his pants.) Oh, wait, that's scotch. (Puts it back, pulls out another bottle.) Here you are.

SARAH: (Drinks whole bottle, gives it back) Thank you. I very much needed that. We're goin' to da hood today.

WILLARD: Really, now? Can I come?

TITUBA: Aw, naw. Dat damn Devil gonna take us. We gonna get down.

WILLARD: Actually, you're gonna get hung. (Cackles and chains them)

(Enter HOPKINS)

HOPKINS: No, no, Willard! Don't chain them to you! No! Don't chain them TOGETHER!

(Rechains TITUBA and SARAH)

TITUBA & SARAH: (look at each other, considering, then laugh) Naw! We ain't gonna die! No chance!

(A cow moos)

SARAH: Hey, it's the Devil!

TITUBA: No, it ain't! It's Goody Richardson!

SARAH: Same thing.

(Exit TITUBA, WILLARD, and SARAH. HOPKINS stands importantly with his arms crossed. Enter DANFORTH and HATHORNE, then re-enter WILLARD.)

HATHORNE: It smells like vodka.

WILLARD: Where could that have come from?

(Enter PARRIS.)

PARRIS: Waah.

HATHORNE: What now, Parris?

PARRIS: (Flips HATHORNE off.) My kid's gone.

DANFORTH: Oh, yeah right. You know you were sleeping with her, too. Wait, she's GONE?

PARRIS: Yes! Abby's gone! And Mercy! And they've robbed me! All thirty cents are gone! Even the five I had for firewood! (Kneels and cries.)

DANFORTH: That whor-se.

HATHORNE: Now, that child is innocent. She didn't rob you. I bet she was kidnapped! No one sees it coming, then- BAM! They find her body three days later.

PARRIS: She probably seduced the kidnapper, the little-

DANFORTH: Horse. In fact, she's not just a horse. She's a SQUIRREL, God Dammit.

PARRIS: Look, could we just… postpone this hanging thing?

HATHORNE: Hey, no way. I sold this show out. Canceling it now would be theatrical suicide.

WILLARD: Yeah, and I wanna see the show! I have a date! (Takes the slightly freaked HOPKINS by the arm.)

(Enter HALE.)

HALE: Guess what? They're all innocent!

PARRIS: Dammit! (Flips everyone off in general.)

HATHORNE: Reverend, did you get into Willard's liquor?

(Enter ELIZABETH.)

HALE: Hey, Lizzie! Your husband's innocent! Plead with him! (Jumps up and down gleefully.)

ELIZABETH: I'm aware.

HALE: So you'll plead?

ELIZABETH: Let me talk to him.

DANFORTH: No way, bitch! (Jumps in front of her.)

ELIZABETH: GRR!

DANFORTH: Okay, then. (Backs away slowly.)

(Exit Everyone but ELIZABETH and PROCTOR, who enters in chains.)

PROCTOR: Oh, great. Here comes the depression scene. I bet Mercy and Abby are hiding behind a tree, crying as we speak.

ELIZABETH: John, I have to tell you something.

PROCTOR: Let me guess. I'm a man-whore.

ELIZABETH: You knew that.

PROCTOR: True.

ELIZABETH: No, no. See, I have to tell you that this is… half my fault.

PROCTOR: You mean… you ran a cold household and prompted lechery?

ELIZABETH: No. Actually, I cheated on you, too. This baby is Willard's.

PROCTOR: Oh.

ELIZABETH: Yeah.

PROCTOR: No hard feelings.

ELIZABETH: I'm gonna miss you, J Proc.

PROCTOR: Oh, Lizzie. I always thought you were the hottest out of all my girlfriends. You know this. You were just the least slutty, that's all. I kiss you.

(They kiss sincerely. Re-enter HATHORNE.)

HATHORNE: Time to die, Johnny Proctor.

PROCTOR: No. Wait. I don't want to die.

HATHORNE: So you'll confess?

PROCTOR: Confess to what?

HATHORNE: That you saw somebody with the Devil.

PROCTOR: I didn't see anyone with the Devil… (a pause) But I don't want to die…

HATHORNE: HE'LL CONFESS! (Runs out gleefully.)

PROCTOR: Well, this sucks.

(Re-enter HALE, HATHORNE (jumping), CHEEVER (with paper), and DANFORTH.)

DANFORTH: All right, Slimeball, I want every word of this documented.

CHEEVER: Ay, ay, Captain. (Salutes.)

DANFORTH: Now, J Proc…

PROCTOR: Only Lizzie and Abby, my two best women, are allowed to call me that.

DANFORTH: I can be a good woman. Anyway. Did you ever see anyone with the Devil?

PROCTOR: Um…

DANFORTH: Did you ever see Sarah Good, for example, with the Devil?

PROCTOR: Well, no…

DANFORTH: Did you ever see Tituba with the Devil?

VOICE FROM OFFSTAGE: THAT'S TITTAY FROM DA HOOD, YO!

PROCTOR: No, I never saw Tittay from da hood with the Devil.

DANFORTH: Did you ever see ANYBODY with the Devil?

PROCTOR: Well, I saw Ruthie Putnam with Michael Jackson once…

DANFORTH: Okay. That's it. Hang him.

PROCTOR: No!

(Enter REBECCA, in chains.)

DANFORTH: Yes! Both of you!

PROCTOR: Well, fine, if you're going to be like THAT.

DANFORTH: Hang them high over Sin City!

REBECCA: But I haven't had my Fruit Loops yet!

HATHORNE: Fruit Loops?

REBECCA: Gimme a break. I got paid fifty bucks to mention them. I'm a working actor, and I wanna EAT this week. Eat your Fruit Loops, kids, part of a complete breakfast.

(Exit REBECCA, DANFORTH, WILLARD, HATHORNE, PROCTOR, and DANFORTH.)

PARRIS: Go after him! Hello? You guys are MARRIED, right?

ELIZABETH: Well, yeah…

(PARRIS flips her off and runs out, exasperated, in a funny fashion.)

HALE: Well, then? What?

ELIZABETH: I'm too tired. I haven't had my Fruit Loops, either.

(Everything darkens, but then lights up again. PROCTOR runs across the stage.)

PROCTOR: Oh, screw this! I'm going back to Da Hood, where they always got my back!

(THE CURTAIN FALLS)


End file.
